i'm so red with fury that whatever i know about anger management has flown away from my mind.

i wonder how long more do i have to endure all this shit.

and tmr i have to smile at the world again.


there she goes
11:12 PM



i'm gonna try my best not to emo in front of so many people anymore. it's terribly embarassing.

*

i love sacred suite. but i love to play it even more. with all its familiar tunes of the hymns i love. so hey. it does mean something to me. i really really wanted to play it for Him.

in addition to that, i wasn't exactly in a happy mood either.

so yeah that probably explains my reaction.

and thank you. it made me smile. (:


there she goes
4:08 PM



dot you selfish silly girl. didn't you realise that it's not only about you, but the others as well? didn't you realise that the root problem is YOU? why are you still hanging on when the others have to suffer because of you?

i'm so sorry. i really am.

am i going to live with this horrible guilt for the rest of my jc life?

it's gnawing me so badly.

and my past is coming back to haunt me.

or is there an alternative solution?

there she goes
11:50 PM



got a round canvas during art today. super cool. and YAYY. i get to paint again! i'll probably do tonal dropout or something because according to mrs teo, i'm terrible at mixing colours. she even had to give me a crash course before prelims. yeah. and mr lim thought my painting sucks too. i can't paint to save my life. but who cares man, i LOVE the feeling i get when i paint.

went to meet shum at the hc bus stop to pass her the concert tickets. lyly was there too. gosh I MISS THEM I MISS THEM I MISS THEM SO MUCH. they brought me to their art rooms after that. boy i looked really out of place in my non-muddylicious uniform. saw quite a number of ex-nanyang girls here and there.

their art rooms are SO MESSY. i think mr lim will get a heart attack if he sees that. hahaha. and he'll probably stage another revolution. saw yeen seen! (: gosh i missed her too. everyone looks the same!

you know, despite the joy of seeing them again, i felt kinda sad (oxymoronic AGAIN) because i looked at their art rooms, their art works, the things they were doing, and i knew i would never be a part of them. if only there's such a thing as alumni aep. sometimes i wonder how my life would have been like if God's path for me was to take aep in nj. it would have been so different.

but what made ny aep so special was the people actually. i miss them so so much that my heart actually hurts.

once an art-lover, always an art-lover.


there she goes
11:47 PM



BON VOYAGE ENG YING!
may His blessings be with you back home. i still remember going ice-skating with her and eng hong when i was in sec2. lovely memories. and she has always been one of the nicest seniors to talk to in church. always spunky and young at heart. and now she's leaving all of us for good. sigh we're gonna miss her so so much. PLEASE VISIT US SOON!

and..

CONGRATS MASTER SEE!
for getting the approval from MINDEF. God has answered everyone's prayers and has decided to give him a surprise! thank God for it. that's terribly great news (an oxymoron again) but it's also really sad to know that he'll be leaving us next month already. and he'll be like the youngest in church to study overseas. we're so proud of him but the glory still goes to God. ALL THE BEST IKE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH SABRINA!
for inviting me over to your house for lunch. and lending me your notes. and offering to help me with chem. and patiently listening to my tired whines and moans. and showing me AMBER! your beautiful golden retriever. *melts into orange goo* (i'm wearing orange now) I LOVE DOGS. felt a sense of nostalgia then and i suddenly missed JB like crazy. my dearest dearest jellybean. darn i feel like crying.


stupid me.

anyway, this is starting to look like a shout-out post. so i guess i shall continue shouting out.

i don't know whether she'll ever read this, but PRESS ON PAMELA! you go girl. your list may be getting longer and longer, but may your faith in Him never gets lesser and lesser. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. sorry i forgot where it comes from, but remember, as what eugene said a long long time ago, our source of strength should come from Him! JIAYOU MY DEAR PAMBURGER. doryfillet will always be here for you.

truthfully, i was kinda stunned as i actually saw myself in her. well maybe not. but i was able to identify with her troubles immediately as i'm sort of in the same situation as her, and probably much worse.

but enough said. i'm listening to an alto sax solo "amazing grace" by hsiao tung sen (spl?), which reminded me of that time when pam taught me how to play it. i don't like his tone btw, it's too jazz for me.

and speaking of tone, mr glosz thinks our section people have JAZZ tones, and he wants a CLASSICAL tone. he confirm just shoot all of us lor. but i get what he meant. i prefer a classical tone too anyway.

but the thing is, how on earth can i get it? quoting ansley, my tone is neither here nor there. quoting jiahao, my tone is still a developing tone. sigh. time is running out. how am i gonna develop one before SYF when it really takes time to develop one?

have faith dot! i must constantly meditate on that bible verse.

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

okay you get what i mean.

HAVE FAITH AND FIGHT ON ALL YE WHO ARE TIRED AND WEARY. remember, satan attacks people using their weaknesses. if you possess many many negative qualities like i do, then you're probably as vulnerable as i am. and that's where He comes in. without faith, we're all just living corpses.

with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm!


there she goes
7:59 PM



HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINQI!
haha. oops. my clock tells me it's over already. ohwell. a belated one, that is.

ponned chem lab with minqi today. ALAMAK. i'm such a bad kid. please scold me. but i was really bonked out with fatigue. couldn't tahan for another 1.5hr. yawns. slacked at the cafe with her and jingyu. so it was like back to first 3 months. and guess what? our chem teacher found out about it and she wants to see us next week. hurh. how lovely.

sigh. i can't afford to do this anymore. my grades are suffering. which is mostly due to my horrible procrastination. i told elissa my grades that day before band and she went "but dorothy you're a nanyang girl!" i know she didn't mean it that way but i was really really sad after that cos it kinda struck me hard. i've let down all my secondary school teachers, esp mrs wong, my best bio teacher ever.

sometimes i feel so useless to the society that i think i should just bum around and do nothing but stare at the sky. the world would probably be a better place that way. i'm just so amazingly terrible. (what an oxymoron btw)

nvm i will pull my socks really high now. wear knee-length socks or something. no more ankle socks please. pear, samo and i were doing some jiayou cheer that other day. damn funny. i'm so gonna be a certified, full-time mugger after aug 11. now not yet, part-time only.

mych and i decided the other day that we should just go and die. we could either 1) bang our heads on the band cupboards, or 2) jump into kallang river from sav bridge. we're supposed to finish the booklet by TODAY (i repeat, TODAY) but we're still not done yet. how how how. *cries* God please help us.

many people are just so stressed/tired/depressed these days. i'm kinda worried for some of them. just remember this, STRESSED is the opposite of DESSERTS! (: jiayouuu.


there she goes
12:04 AM



listening to FV now. GOSH IT'S SUPERDUPER FAST. i want to die. how to play grade 5 music when i can't even play, say, arsenal properly?

i want to do more individuals! i NEED to. but with more and more things piling up on my platter, i seriously have no idea how much (or rather, how little) time i will have for self-prac and how long more it will take before i collapse in fatigue and depression.

stupid racial harmony performance. YAWN. does it improve inter-racial relationships? no it doesn't! i'd rather use those rehearsal times doing props and deco. or doing the booklet. or even replenishing my sleep-o-meter. OR EVEN STUDYING. but most importantly practising our concert pieces. sigh. waste our time.

ohyeah. and there's project work. and SPAs. and promos coming up. dot really really needs to buck up cos she thinks she's gonna get retained but she doesn't want to. oh and she's aiming for that A for bio. for A's that is. it's a high expectation but it's possible.

had a combined outing with sas saxtion today after band. only ansley and i from our saxtion went. our pathetic attendance! what one family unbroken.. what one family one flag. funny lah. and szu xiang pangseh-ed me! ): he was supposed to go and talk to me. ohwell.

ohyeah. and i thought our batch was terribly disorganised today after our lunch break. no order at all. was it because the top3 weren't there? hmmm.


there she goes
11:03 PM



it's times like these when i feel














and














i'd begin to be out of sorts. and to look but not to see, to hear but not to listen, to touch but not to feel.




but art is therapeutic. it stops me from




there she goes
9:44 PM



italy 1
france 1

(italy wins 5-3 on penalties)

okay lah. i'm not extremely affected by the results since i don't support both teams anyway. and i was expecting penalties before the match. but ZIDANE! whyyy!?! wei she me!?! it was a disgraceful act but i can't believe the ever so good-natured french magician would sink to that level. unless he was provoked of course.

i wanted france to win because of him. but after his sending off, i kinda changed my mind. even if france won right, barthez would be the one lifting the trophy instead, while he would be in the dressing room sobbing away. it's so horrendously and painfully tragic for him to end his career like that. what a blemish in his glittering career. people will remember his last red card instead of that funny penalty he scored in the 7th minute.

and i couldn't get over the shock even when i went to bed lah.

aufviedersehen world cup germany 2006. hopefully south africa 2010 would be a better one.

can't wait for tmr's paper to be get over and done with. !@#$%^&* math! BISH. and i'll be meeting up with someone important to me tmr. haven't seen her in EONS. yayayay can't wait! haha.

SORRY EUNICE for pangseh-ing you today! dot is such a lazy monkeybanana. next time go bcc again and study for promos okay? and must remind shawn that it's CLUB, not CENTRE. hahaha.

and yes cristiano ronaldo. PLEASE LEAVE UNITED! thank you very much. your absence will be much appreciated and applauded for. man u will prevail!

i am hungry! rawr. as usual. ooohh. there's bend it like beckham later! woots. if you're expecting many beckham scenes, i'm afraid you'll be disappointed.


there she goes
6:07 PM



sometimes i wish i could sing His name forever. sometimes i wish worship would never end. i know worship is more than just singing songs. it's all about the heart because "when the music fades, all is stripped away".

i thank God for the music. but i thank God for His love even more.

over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me,
and i will open up my heart
and let the Healer set me free.
i'm happy to be in the truth,
and i will daily lift my hands,
for i will always sing of when
Your love came down.

i could sing of Your love forever,
i could sing of Your love forever,
i could sing of Your love forever,
i could sing of Your love forever.

oh, i feel like dancing -
it's foolishness i know;
but, when the world has seen the light,
they will dance with joy,
like we're dancing now.

and speaking of music, everyone reading this please visit this website (http://www.petitiononline.com/ike_see/petition.html) and sign the online petition. primary school mates, church mates, SNYO people and many many other people (especially musicians) would know that he's one heck of a talented musician. so give ike your support yeah? thank you so much.


there she goes
9:48 PM



today's the 7th of july. seven seven. COOL. i wonder whether sasmb's playing the seventh night of july later during their concert. haha.

i have a terribly short attention span. especially when it comes to boring stuff like academics and studying. my mind just starts wandering off and i get bored easily. alamak bad habit sia.

then i'll start doodling and drawing rubbish on my notes or rough paper. hahaha. it's good okay. cos that was how my coursework idea came about when i started designing accessories during one of dailaoshi's lessons when i was in sec3.

yeah and i was damn angry when miss ho banned doodling during gp. GRR. and to think MOE is supposed to promote creativity.

sorry i digressed. point is: i need to focus focus focus. but i just can't lah lousy me.

"the power of focusing can be seen in light. diffused light has little power or impact, but you can concentrate its energy by focusing it. with a magnifying glass, the rays of the sun can be focused to set grass or paper on fire. when light is focused even more as a laser beam, it can cut through steel."
- the purpose driven life

XIN WU PANG WU! mwaha see i still remember the cheng yu. okay. off to revise math. eeeeeee. my most hated and lousiest subject.

oh wait. i forgot something. i realised that i actually CAN focus. but only when doing things that interest me, such as art. i can still remember how focused i always was during our 3hour drawing and painting papers. and the day before when i'll usually do my research drawings from afternoon all the way to like 2am, stopping only for shower and food. i was so engrossed that i was usually oblivious to things around me.

hmmm. so i guess maybe i CAN be focused if i want to. ohwell. those good old days were gone. yeah. now to murky mundane mind-boggling math.


there she goes
5:54 PM



no school until next tuesday! woots.

i'm like so much happier these days. somehow i'm starting to feel like i'm living in 1st three months again. in terms of the laughter and everything, despite this horrible thing called STRESS. i've been seeing fellow bandmates very often these days (for various reasons like studying, gossiping, or simply chilling out) and i just feel so happy in their company.

the perth trip really made a difference.

posted some random photos. i was so BONKED OUT just now that i actually slept from 7 to 10pm. i should just go and watch the france vs portugal match later. which reminds me, GERMANY IS OUT. absolute yayness.


there she goes
2:56 AM




can you believe us? we actually HOPPED UNTO A TROLLEY. and embarassed ourselves on the street. total retardness.


there she goes
2:41 AM






there she goes
2:19 AM




our ensemble performance, which erm didn't turn out as well as we wished it would be.


there she goes
1:58 AM



forever love



haha second video. youtube rocks. i love this song! but the mtv's so sad. nvm. i like sad/touching mtvs. like bon jovi's all about loving you.


there she goes
1:04 AM



my favourite player ever



oh my. this video is seriously depressing. i just feel so sad seeing giggs live in his dream. he's getting old and i guess he may never get a chance to play in the world cup, letting alone winning it. he truly deserves more. on a brighter note, i like that part in the advert when he NUTMEGGED BECKHAM. =D


there she goes
12:47 AM



there are two things in the world that can cross the barrier of language - music and soccer.

i'm listening to this really really nice piece by tenri high school band, a japanese band. gosh i love it so much! the tone of the sop sax soloist is totally WOAH. can die for. there seems to be a sad and melancholic note to the piece and i can never get tired of listening to it. and the soloist took TEN long years to achieve that! wow.

must really thank andrew and hafiz for sending me loads of band music that day. THANK YOU! (:

i'm starting to have a rough idea on how a good saxophone tone should sound like. yeah man. the tone of the alto sax soloist in "first love" by tokyo kosei is so rich and warm that it even sounds like it's crying. sorry lah, dot doesn't know how to describe tones but she really really hopes she can achieve that tone one day. someday.

okay i better stop listening to it, in case it gets stuck in my head during chem tmr. i kept thinking of les miserables during bio today can! especially that fantastic flute solo.

can you believe it? argentina and brazil are out of the world cup! i was absolutely devastated cos i badly wanted both teams to meet each other at the finals. in my opinion, they are the only teams that are truly capable of displaying GOOD FOOTBALL and playing the beautiful game.

england is out too. even though i don't support them, i got really upset when i saw the footage of rio crying. totally broke my heart! they played better than portugal and deserved a win. same goes to argentina. but that goes to show that the better ones don't always win. it all goes down to tactics and finishing. sigh. you can awe the spectators with 90 minutes of amazing footwork and trickeries but if you can't score, you're still ultimately the loser.

sigh. football's indeed a game with so much emotional attachments, both on and off the pitch. imagine the rollercoaster ride of emotions all the players have to go through almost every single match. they get to experience either their highest highs, or their lowest lows.


there she goes
6:08 PM